


Mail-Order Orgasms

by frogy



Category: You Could Make a Life Series - Taylor Fitzpatrick
Genre: 5+1 Things, Long-Distance Relationship, M/M, Sex Toys
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-26
Updated: 2017-03-26
Packaged: 2018-10-11 04:34:27
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,615
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10455069
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/frogy/pseuds/frogy
Summary: Liam just wants to get fucked. His sex-toy reviews accidentally gain a following.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Takes place after Liam and Mike get back together but while Liam is still playing in Detroit. Liam and Mike have such a dramatic canonical beginning and end, but there's not a ton of what happens in between. And I am so invested in that middle.

It starts in Edmonton.

That seems to be a theme in Liam's life.

It's late but not that late. Roge and Mrs. Roge had him over for dinner after the game, so it was old people fun, not team drinking fun. They did kill a couple of bottles of wine though, so old people fun isn't too bad. There are probably still stragglers at the bar he could meet up with if what he was looking for was more drinking. But that's not what he wants.

What he wants is to get fucked. But there is no godly way that's happening any time soon.

So he's drunk and horny and bored with jerking off when he clicks "Buy."

  


* * *

  


It's not that Liam forgets exactly. It's just that they played three more games, flying south to California where it was sunny and warm. Winning three of four didn't hurt either. So it isn’t top of mind when Liam gets back to Detroit and sees a box waiting on his doorstep when he first gets back.

It's smallish and has a generic, unhelpfully vague return label.

He takes it inside with the rest of his mail and dumps it on his couch coffee table. He detours through the kitchen to grab food, before returning to see what’s in the box. He hacks at the tape with his keys until he gets it messily sliced open, turns the box open and out falls another box. This one is mostly helpful plastic window so it’s clear what it is as the box of artificial dick tumbles to the floor.

And well, it looks like Liam has sudden plans to stay in for the rest of the day.

  


* * *

My First Vibrator  
By LDF on November 4, 2020  
Verified Purchase  
  
I love to get fucked. But I’m in a long distance relationship. What’s a guy to do? 

My sex life has been skype, phone sex, a lot of lonely jerking off. But I got home after killing a few bottles of wine with some friends, and no amount of jerking it was going to give me what I wanted. So I ordered a vibrator. 

All the positive reviews were technically right. It’s got a nice curve. It hit my prostate without too much twisting and turning on my part. The vibrations part of the vibrator were great. It’s easy to hold on to, even with sweaty hands and some smeared lube, I was able to get a good rhythm going. I found it easiest to use on my knees, shoulders down on the bed, leaving my hands free to fuck it into me. It would be nice if I could somehow use my right hand to fuck myself with the dildo and jerk myself at the same time, but lefty and I have been becoming good friends. 

Lets just say, I liked it enough to use it again. 

But it’s no getting plowed by long distance guy (LDG). 

It can’t replicate the feeling of being held down. It will fuck into your ass, but it’s missing the sense of LDG really putting his all into pounding my ass. And it won’t run it’s fingers through my hair after when I’m limp and sated. 

And keeping the vibrations on after I’ve come isn’t the same as the way LDG doesn’t let up. He just keeps pounding into me, through the aftershocks and beyond when I think the too much might kill me, but it never does. On the best nights, he makes me come again in a sticky, sweaty mess. 

When I’m done with it, I’m still alone and the only thing left to do is drag myself out of bed to shower alone. 

Comment | 476 person found this helpful. Was this review helpful to you? Yes No  


* * *

  


Liam isn’t the type to let things go. 

The vibrator is fine. It’s not the sex toy of his dreams, but it’s a nice change from nothing but his hand. And it makes him realize there’s a whole world of them out there. 

One of them probably is the sex toy of this dreams. And the only way he’s going to find it is by trying more of them. So, Liam gets to researching.

  


* * *

  


The box is sitting on Liam’s front stoop when he steps out in a game day suit to head to the rink. 

He knows what the box is this time. It’s the Pure Wand. The vibrator was a spur of the moment impulse purchase, that mostly left him missed the real thing. He can miss Mike just fine without the help, so he went a different direction this time. 

This time he did research. The Pure Wand is a prostate toy. It looks nothing like a cock. It’s all metal, shiny and heavier than he expected when he holds it in his hand. It’s smooth with a pronounced curve. And online reviews promised him life-changing prostate orgasms.

Liam drops the box inside his front door and locks up behind him.

  


* * *

Worth It  
By LDF on November 19, 2020  
Verified Purchase  
  
I’ll start with what everyone wants to know: no, this didn’t give me hours of magical dry orgasms. But I liked it anyway. 

The way it nails your prostate it like nothing else. It’s a wholly unique experience that you won’t get from fingers or cocks or even the deepest, filthiest rimming. Trust me, I’d know. The size and shape is a feat of sex toy engineering. It’s both incredibly satisfying rubbing deliciously in exactly the right place with every desperate twitch of your hips and a never-ending tease of not quite being enough to push you over the edge. 

Other reviews talk about the hours of prostate orgasms it gives them, and fuck does that sound good. But those guys must have some sort of super-human self-control that I’m lacking. Because a half hour, forty-five minutes into the first time I tried it and I just couldn’t wait any longer. I was coming buckets the second my hand touched my cock. Serious buckets. This thing makes your load massive. 

So I tried it again. This time I was really determined. I was not going to put my hand on my cock. I got the Pure Wand in and lay down on my stomach. It was great. The wand was hitting me perfectly with every twitch of my hips and my cock was trapped between my stomach and the duvet, completely out of reach of my hands, which were fisted in my pillow. And then those twitches became more of a grinding and then a desperate thrusting and well, when you’re that close the rough drag of my bed pushed me over the edge as easily as my slicked-up hand. 

Worse, it meant I had to do laundry. 

I’m not writing off the mythical multiple orgasms yet, but I think that will have to wait until Long Distance Guy and I are in the same place. I won’t be able to get myself off if he’s hot my wrists wrapped up in one of his big hands, holding them above my head, pressing them down into the mattress, not letting me go no matter how much I beg and squirm and plead. LDG can tease me for ages, way longer than I can ever string myself along. He can play my body like nothing else, and in his hands I know I can let go. 

Until then, I’ll just enjoy the extra dimension it brings to regular, old coming your brains out. 

Comment | 537 person found this helpful. Was this review helpful to you? Yes No  


* * *

  


Liam is driving home from practice talking to Mike on speaker phone. Mike is telling Liam about the meal he’s cooking on the other end and Liam wishes Mike were on the other end of his drive. Mike’s homemade lunch sounds better than what Liam has waiting for him. He’s experimenting with a new meal delivery service because he never quite got the hang of cooking. And it’s better than anything he could cook up, but nothing is Mike.

As soon as Liam parks, he switches their call to FaceTime. Mike has his phone propped up on the counter, already on speaker so he can work, so Liam is immediately treated to the sight of Mike’s capable hands and thick forearms. When Mike notices the switch he stops talking, and acknowledges it by ducking down to look in the camera.

Liam waves, then gives him a hungry smile.

Mike rolls his eyes and pointedly does not wave back. “You’re looking at the food like you usually look at my dick.”

“Well, I want to get them both in my mouth.”

“You’re a fucking menace.”

“Yup,” Liam answers getting out of his truck. They fall into comfortable quiet and Liam picks up his mail, the box that was delivered to his porch, and lets himself into his house.

FaceTime is nice because they’re no pressure to keep up the conversation. Liam dumps the mail on the counter to get food microwaving.

That done, he opens the box. “What’s that?” Mike asks, incredulous. 

Liam turns the box around in his hands, displaying the picture on the front of the box clearly to the camera. The box is much bigger than any of his previous orders. “It’s a dragon dick.”

“It’s a fucking travesty is what it is,” Mike says. Liam’s not sure what he was expecting, but this sure is something alright. “Don’t fucking use it.”

And well, there’s only one response for that. “You can’t tell me what to do.”

“Liam,” Mike says warningly. Liam wishes Mike was there to deliver on that tone. But he’s not and the microwave dings, and the topic is dropped.

  


* * *

Noped Right Out of There  
By LDF on December 2, 2020  
Verified Purchase  
  
I was on FaceTime with LDG (long distance guy) when I opened this, and he absolutely forbid me from trying this one out. 

He should know by now that I’m a little shit, and telling me not to do something is a surefire way to ensure I do exactly that. 

So I was three fingers deep in my own ass, dripping from going heavy on the lube, thinking about how much I just wanted a good hard dicking, when I looked down at it, all ready to go. And I just couldn’t do it. 

This thing is livid yellow-green, the sickly color of a week-old bruise, and the texture is distinctly not-human. And apparently, that just isn’t my thing. 

The two stars is for the fantasy of being wrecked by the world’s biggest cock. But it turns out I just want LDG to do that for me. He’s got these big, thick fingers and sometimes when he’s fucking me with his fat cock in me he’ll stop when I’m right at the edge and make me take more. I think that’s it, that’s as much as I can take but then he’ll nudge one of his thick fingers in me along side his cock and he was right, I can take it. Or he’ll pull out entirely and get his whole fucking fist in me, my hole clenching around his wrist, around his forearm as he plays me from the inside. 

Anyway, it’s a good thing the only plans we make for when I visit are sex plans, because he leaves me wrecked. 

When I was ordered this, I was looking for something big to fill that hole (in my collection), but I couldn’t get over the way it looked. 

Comment | 682 person found this helpful. Was this review helpful to you? Yes No  


* * *

  


Things keep on keeping on. At first Liam doesn’t even notice that Mike hasn’t picked up his phone in a few days. Mike does more stuff than he’d have you believe. One time Liam couldn’t reach Mike, it turned out he was driving around the city on the hunt for a grocery store that carried lotus root. Liam has a whole list of foods Mike’s going to have to make again for him in the offseason. 

But Mike doesn’t call back and he doesn’t answer any of Liam’s calls and Liam goes a little crazy with it.

Eight days later, Liam is equal parts furious and relieved when he sees his phone ring with ‘Mike’ on the screen. 

The relieved wins out. “What happened? Are you okay?” he says when he picks up. 

“Hi Liam. It’s Mike, how are you doing?” 

“Hi Mike. It’s Liam,” Liam parrots. “And your stupid phone rules are stupid. What happened?” 

“I wasn’t feeling well,” Mike says on the other side of the line.

“Like the flu or something?” Liam has never hoped someone had the flu before.

“Like, migraines,” Mike says.

“Shit, are you okay?”

“I don’t want to talk about it.” Mike never does. And Liam never knows what to say to help. “Tell me whatever you were calling about.”

Liam doesn’t remover why he called initially, but he’s always good for running his mouth and starts on a story about how he cleaned up in the latest on-flight poker game.

  


* * *

Not Worth It  
By LDF on December 19, 2020  
Verified Purchase  
  
I don’t know why I even bothered. Guys, friends, misguided sex-toy buyers: are you really so lazy you can’t just use your hand to jerk off? You need to spend money on fancy silicon for a self-delivered five-finger special? It’s not worse than jerking off, but that’s hardly a ringing endorsement for the Fleshlight. And when you’re done you have to wash your own come out of the plastic tube, which is exactly as unnecessarily gross as it sounds. If you have a hard-on for washing things, I have a whole sink full of dishes that I’ve let congeal. You’re welcome to them. 

Comment | 712 person found this helpful. Was this review helpful to you? Yes No  


* * *

  


The season is going well, the team winning more than they are losing. A lot more. Liam could really get used to winning. Everything is better when they’re winning. 

Liam continues to miss Mike. He continues ordering sex toys in his mission to miss Mike a little less. Sometimes it works better than others. Sometimes a lot more.

  


* * *

Hands Free Delight  
By LDF on January 11, 2021  
Verified Purchase  
  
The humble suction cup. It sticks bath mats to the floor of your bathtub. And other things probably. I never gave too much thought to it before. But added to the base of good-sized dildo it transcends it’s mundane beginnings. 

I think it’s a big miss that all the recommendations for a first sex toy are ones you need to hold on to. Hand’s free is the way to go. You’re never going to get a toy to fuck you the way a person does, but this is about as close as you can get to riding a cock without another person involved. 

The hands free also gives you more options for positions than I’ve found with other toys. Stuck to the wall of your shower you can back right on to it or stuck to the surface of a mirror you can use your free hands to take photos to send to LDG. I know what my best ass-et is, if you know what I mean. 

Best of all I’ve found is sticking it to the rim of the bathtub and sitting down on it. It’s not going to hold me down and have it’s way with me. But I can imagine coming home late, and finding LDG in my bed. I didn’t know he was coming. It’s a surprise that he’s here or I’d have come home earlier. He’s already drowsing but I can see his hard-on tenting the sheets. He’d pull them off and there it is, his big cock ready and waiting for me. He’s already done the work of coming all the way; it’s my turn now. So I climb on and go to town. 

It’s the deepest, best fuck I’ve gotten out of any toy. This one’s got a nice, thick girth that will really fill you up. I loved it. But if that’s not your thing, really, it’s the suction cup that’s key. 

Comment | 841 person found this helpful. Was this review helpful to you? Yes No  


* * *

  


Liam went back to the hotel after team dinner even though a bunch of the guys were going out to a bar to get drunk with nothing but a travel day ahead of them. But once back at the hotel Liam’s too bored and fidgety to stay in his room. He takes his laptop down to the lobby bar, and gets himself settled into a corner table with a beer. The TVs are showing football highlights, which he still doesn’t really get America’s obsession with but whatever. He’s much more interested in browsing toys, trying to decide which is going to be his next purchase. He’s mostly gone for the ones that look at least a little like real dicks, but he things he wants to try something different. Maybe something ribbed to add to his collection. 

Liam is pulled out of his reverie by Davies. “You mind if I join you?”

Liam looks up at his Captain. “Sure.” Davies is a good guy, quiet, serious, acts older than he is. Liam isn’t sure if that’s him intentionally trying to act captainly or if he’s really just not into drinking and picking up. “What’s up?”

“Trying to figure out plane tickets for Lindsey to come see us in New York when we’re there.”

Davies is from, like, two hours away from Detroit. “Why doesn’t she just visit when we’re back?”

“It’s our birthday. You start celebrating your birthday together when you’re born, it kind of becomes a thing.”

Liam shrugs. He’s an only child and likes it that way. His birthday is all his. Forget the one day, he’s been known to milk it for the whole birthday month. The waitress comes by with a refill for Liam’s empty and takes Davies order.

“What are you up to?” Davies asks when she’s gone. “Didn’t feel like going out?”

Liam shrugs. “I’m buying sex toys,” he says shamelessly.

“Fine,” Davies says. He clearly thinks Liam is talking shit. “Don’t tell me.”

But actually, Davies has given him an idea. Liam’s tabbed over to a new window and has a search for flights open now with the hope that they’ll work out better than any new toy could.

  


* * *

  


Mike comes home to find a box on his front porch. He’s suspicious. He didn’t order anything. Sometimes delivery people will knock on his door with packages for a neighbor that need signing if they se his truck in the driveway. But he wasn’t home to sign for whatever this is. He brings it inside. 

He gets the scissors out of the drawer and opens the box at his kitchen table. It’s packed with bubble wrap, that pops satisfyingly as he squishes them one, two, three, before pulling it open to see what’s inside.

The first thing he pulls out is an oversized glasses case. The sunglasses inside are as oversized as the case. They’re dumb looking with big, mirrored lenses in wire frames. But everything is relative. They’re less dumb looking than the plastic, wrap-around sunglasses they suggested he keep on hand to deal with light sensitivity until he can get to a dark place. Those are the same ones they give people after cataract surgery and you can’t mistake them as anything but medicinal. These are ugly, but the sort of ugly people wear voluntarily. He puts them on, and everything gets nice and dark. He takes them off and puts them back in the case.

The next thing buried in the bubble wrap is a pair of headphones. They are not any of the ones that Mike’s familiar with, not that he’s particularly into electronic gadgets. But he’s familiar with the earbuds that come with your phone. They’re stupidly tiny and uncomfortable to wear. And he knows Beats because guys were into those. They were stupidly shiny and bright as though the point of headphones were to have others look at them, rather than to block out the noise of their existence. These are neither of those. They’re in a slick box that promises supreme noise cancelling. He opens the inner box, and removes the headphones. They’re plain black, big enough and soft enough to fit comfortably over his head, but surprisingly light. Even in the quiet of his kitchen he can tell the noise cancelling works as the hum of his fridge muffles and disappears as he puts them on. He takes them off and puts them back in their foam packaging. He sets the whole thing aside.

There’s one last thing in the box, distorted and wavy under the bubble wrap. He pulls it out, and it isn’t so much a thing. It’s a piece of paper, a print out confirming the purchase of one ticket for a flight from Minneapolis to Detroit for one Michael Brower. There’s a post-it stuck on the top right corner with “please” written on it in Liam’s chicken-scratch handwriting. 

Mike picks up his phone and calls.

“Hey,” Liam answers infuriatingly cheerfully, like always. Mike doesn’t know when common phone courtesy went out of fashion but he’s got a fucking reason for calling that’s not going to be derailed by Liam’s refusal to answer the phone with his name or ask who’s calling.

“You shouldn’t have.”

“So you got my package,” Liam says, voice falling.

“Yeah.” Mike sits down at the table, looking at Liam’s gifts, spread out in front of him. “You shouldn’t have wasted you money on all this shit.”

Liam hears the unsaid ‘on me’ that Mike left off the end of that sentence. “It’s not for you. It’s for me. I miss you.”

“You’re too busy to miss me,” Mike says. 

“I can be busy and miss you at the same time,” Liam says. “I’m special like that.”

Mike snorts. “Special, right.” Liam is a fucking dog with a bone.

“There are only two games that week. So it’s mostly just practices. And our day off is that week.”

Mike wonders how much this surprise set Liam back. That’s a first class ticket. “It’s still too much.”

“You talked me out of the sports car,” Liam says.

Mike did. But that was because Liam didn’t need some stupid expensive penis-envy mobile that was going to spin out the second it flurried. He lives in fucking Michigan. It wasn’t so Liam could spend his money on Mike. “You could have just asked.”

“Okay.” Liam suddenly sounds cheerful again, pulling Mike’s attention away from the stuff on his table back to the phone call. Mike is pretty sure he just fell for one of Liam’s traps. “I’ll do that next time.”

Mike wants to argue. The point isn’t the cost of a flight. Liam doesn’t need Mike to visit. Liam is busy with hockey and life and things Mike can’t be a part of anymore. 

Mike can’t argue that he doesn’t want to visit Liam. Liam won’t believe him, for one. And for another, he’s trying not to lie to Liam anymore. Liam has him beat. “Fine.” He’s not going to sound happy about it though. “Don’t do this again.”

Liam sounds happy enough for both of them. “Next time, I’ll let you buy your own tickets.”

  


* * *

Good for Noise Cancelling  
By LDF on February 20, 2021  
Verified Purchase  
  
I bought these as a gift for my misanthropic long distance guy. And they worked. He didn't mention wanting to kill a single other person on his flight to come visit me. That’s the best noise cancelling endorsement you can get. 

Comment | 432 person found this helpful. Was this review helpful to you? Yes No  


* * *

  


* * *

Fantasy Sunglasses  
By LDF on February 20, 2021  
Verified Purchase  
  
These sunglasses are straight out of a hot, 70s cop themed porno. I bought them as a gift for my long distance guy. And shit was it hot when he showed up on my doorstep wearing them. If he pulled me over in them, I’d get out of the car and let him do a full body search, if you know what I mean. If only he’d stop vetoing role play. 

Comment | 521 person found this helpful. Was this review helpful to you? Yes No  


* * *

  


* * *

Worth It  
By LDF on Original on November 19, 2020, Updated on February 20, 2021

> I’ll start with what everyone wants to know: no, this didn’t give me hours of magical dry orgasms. But I liked it anyway.
> 
> The way it nails your prostate it like nothing else. It’s a wholly unique experience that you won’t get from fingers or cocks or even the deepest, filthiest rimming. Trust me, I’d know. The size and shape is a feat of sex toy engineering. It’s both incredibly satisfying rubbing deliciously in exactly the right place with every desperate twitch of your hips and a never-ending tease of not quite being enough to push you over the edge. 
> 
> Other reviews talk about the hours of prostate orgasms it gives them, and fuck does that sound good. But those guys must have some sort of super-human self-control that I’m lacking. Because a half hour, forty-five minutes into the first time I tried it and I just couldn’t wait any longer. I was coming buckets the second my hand touched my cock. Serious buckets. This thing makes your load massive. 
> 
> So I tried it again. This time I was really determined. I was not going to put my hand on my cock. I got the Pure Wand in and lay down on my stomach. It was great. The wand was hitting me perfectly with every twitch of my hips and my cock was trapped between my stomach and the duvet, completely out of reach of my hands, which were fisted in my pillow. And then those twitches became more of a grinding and then a desperate thrusting and well, when you’re that close the rough drag of my bed pushed me over the edge as easily as my slicked-up hand. 
> 
> Worse, it meant I had to do laundry. 
> 
> I’m not writing off the mythical multiple orgasms yet, but I think that will have to wait until Long Distance Guy and I are in the same place. I won’t be able to get myself off if he’s hot my wrists wrapped up in one of his big hands, holding them above my head, pressing them down into the mattress, not letting me go no matter how much I beg and squirm and plead. LDG can tease me for ages, way longer than I can ever string myself along. He can play my body like nothing else, and in his hands I know I can let go. 
> 
> Until then, I’ll just enjoy the extra dimension it brings to regular, old coming your brains out.

Update: Long Distance Guy came to visit. It was just as good as I’d imagined. A+. Would recommend with a partner. 

1,392 person found this helpful. Was this review helpful to you? Yes No  


Comments:

joel296 says:  
I bought the on your recommendation. You're right, it's great even without the prostate orgasms. But I’m hopeful I’ll get there eventually.

StuffReviewer says:  
Keep at it. It’s amazing when you get there.

ayz134 says:  
Forget the toy, I’m here for the tales of getting pounded. I’m not sure if I believe this is really LDF’s sex life or if it’s just some elaborate fantasy, but either way it’s totally hot.

* * *

**Author's Note:**

> Unbeta'd. The thing I am most excited about in this fic is figuring out how to add custom stylesheets to a fic.
> 
> No one tell Mike he visited Liam for Valentine's Day.
> 
> I wrote the reviews first, figuring I'd make up names for all the toys Liam buys. Then I remembered that I hate naming things and went searching for real toys that matched the descriptions with varying degrees of success. Amazon is going to be very confused by my search history. 
> 
> The toys wound up being a combination of real toys and generic descriptions for things I couldn't choose. The Pure Wand is a real thing, chosen because of [this thread on reddit](https://www.reddit.com/r/sex/comments/2i2k27/a_guide_to_multiple_prostate_orgasms/?compact=true) about achieving prostate orgasms. (It's totally worth a read.) The Fleshlight is a real thing that I think is stupid looking. Bad Dragon dildos are real things that are so ridiculous that when you search for them google wants to autocompletes "meme" to the end of your search. But even for the real toys, all the reviews are totally fictional.


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